a typical day, as of late

hear my alarm go off. 

drag myself out of bed. take temperature.

brush teeth & maybe wash my hair.  makeup.

pack my food for the day & make coffee. ahhh coffee.

go to work. work ALL MOTHERFUCKING DAY long.

eat my money saving, healthy, and delicious packed lunch. 

work some more. sign into Google Reader and attempt to read some blogs.

finally leave work.

work out with trainer or take spin class. 

(if not going to the gym, go straight home to cook dinner and clean up)

go home, exhausted.

cook/help cook dinner & clean up kitchen. 

::pause::

awesome dinner, cooked by YOURS TRULY - full recipe post coming soon

::play::

chores around the house. 

homework/reading for class.

::pause:: 

kitty cuddle time

::play::

shower. do not want to leave warmth of shower.

maybe watch TV or read before bed if I can keep my eyes open.

try to read as much as I can before my eyelids start getting heavier and heavier by the sentence. 

sleep. sleeeeeeeeep, sleep.

notice something missing?

blogging. 

my stupid busy life is not giving me much time for blogging lately.

I have some posts started that just need a little tweaking. 

as soon as I have time for a substantial post, you'll see it, I promise. 

ALSO, I miss you guys. 

I'll be back tomorrow, at least for Wee Bit Wednesdays. 

Happy Tuesday.

giving thanks | day one

I've decided that since the month of Thanksgiving is among us, I want to make sure I'm thankful for everything I have in my life. so for the next 25 days (until Thanksgiving), I'm going to blog every day about what I'm thankful for, starting right now. 

_________________________

today, I am thankful for my job. I know I complain about my job a lot, but I really do love what I do. I'm extremely lucky to still have a job in the construction industry, especially when commercial construction hasn't been doing too well in the grand scheme of things. I'm paid well, I get to wear whatever I want to work, have two weeks of paid vacation/sick leave every year, and occasionally, I even get free lunch. 

I'm so grateful that I have a place to go to everyday, where I can be myself and not have to wear a stuffy persona. don't get me wrong, I still consider myself a professional, but the type of work I do is really laid back, and I can have a joking, personal rapport with the people I come into contact with on a daily basis. I'm not the hoity-toity-suit-wearing-so-I-can-impress-the-people-who-sign-my-paycheck-regardless-of-my-attire kind of girl, and therefore, this job is perfect for me. 

for the most part, I like my co-workers. my dad (boss) can be a huge pain in the ass sometimes, but I'm thankful that I get to spend so much time with him, even if it's under sometimes stressful conditions. I often think about what my relationship with my dad would be like if we didn't work together. I don't think we'd have the tight-knit and close relationship we have now if I didn't see him everyday. 

I'm fortunate that I like my job, and that I don't dread coming to work everyday because I'm unhappy with my choices. I really, really, really enjoy the estimating portion of the construction process, and I'm always learning something new about my profession. and even when I come across something that stumps me, I don't mind doing a little research to find a solution. I take pride in my work, because I put 100% of my energy into my work, and I don't half-ass anything when it has my name on it. 

I hope I can continue to learn more about this business, and hopefully, maybe even take over my dad's company one day. I'd love to learn to manage a business and see how thinks work from a different perspective. I love to educate myself, especially when it's something I'm passionate about.

and for that, I'm thankful.

a week in review

I am so fucking happy that it's Friday, and more so that it's a three day weekend for most Americans. woo! I'm at home this evening, drinking some wine, while the Mister is out for a guys night. so pardon me if there are any spelling or grammar or "this shit just doesn't make sense" mistakes. it's the wine. 

some highlights from the week:

- Lane finally won HOH on Big Brother, and didn't knock out Brittany when he had the chance. I think she needs to dump her ugly fiance and get together with Lane. they would be incredibly cute together - they have a very similar sense of humor and they're both southerners. what else is there to love?

- I lost THREE motherfucking pounds in a week! it must have been that hour long, oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-die, painful spin class from last week that really pushed that weight off. unfortunately, I had a case of the DOMS after the spin class, so I didn't attend this week. but I DID go to a "begin to spin" class on Wednesday evening after my training sesh, and it was only 30 minutes, so I feel much more successful in that one. either way, three pounds is amazing, and I'm damn proud. it's the biggest jump in weight loss I've seen since I started this journey, and it feels great.

- my little (okay... he's not little... he's like 6'-2") brother turned 22 years old yesterday. it's really hard to believe we're all growing up. I remember our childhood like it was yesterday... we'd go hiking back in the woods to a little clearing accompanied by a big lake and try to scope out animals. we'd play in the creek until we were FILTHY, and we'd end the night by jumping up and down on the bed yelling out cuss words. don't worry, we got the appropriate punishment - soap in the mouf. we were partners in crime, and I'm so fortunate to have him. 

- I got a chance to host my very first giveaway on my little corner of the web right here! there's still plenty of time to enter - I'll be closing the contest next Wednesday, September 8th, at 4:00PM EST. check it out! 

- speaking of blogging, I finally got completely caught up on reading all the posts in my Google Reader. I've been struggling to keep up with everything since we got back from our (internet-less) vacation. when I got back home to check in on what I missed, I was faced with almost 400 blogs to read. AHH! (REAL MONSTERS!) sadly, I made the decision to unsubscribe to a few blogs that I just didn't have much interest in, but I'm happy to say that I currently only have 30 new posts to read... quite the accomplishment! 

- this one is not a highlight, but more of a rant. 5 minutes ago, Bear (yeah, that cute guy over there ---> to the right) just spilled my half filled cup (yes... that's CUP, not glass... I'm home alone and I refuse to do dishes) of wine ALL over the floor. THE WHOLE THING. on the floor. and not in my MOUTH. needless to say, we are not on speaking terms right now.

- my boss (aka my dad) told us (us being the entire office, which consists of a mere 5 people) that we could bring in wine or beer to celebrate Labor Day today. I'm the only person who brought in a bottle of wine. and the only person who really consumed it. yikes.

Happy Friday!

Bear the Distractor & some retro swim gear

I do all the estimating and bidding on projects for my dad's concrete construction business, meaning that I calculate all the concrete needed to complete a commercial job, along with any other materials and labor that are needed. that's my job, that's what I get paid to do. I don't think I've ever mentioned that on here. hmm. weird. 

anyvag, that's how I spend my 40 hour weeks, and occasionally, I have to bring work home with me if I have a tight deadline to work with. my profession often includes set of drawings, or blueprints, or whatever you want to call them. actually, now that I think about it, it ALWAYS does. see, we're old fashioned here at this business, and we don't learn us no fancy computer programs and stuff.

like I was saying, sometimes I have to bring home drawings to work from, and it's not always the easiest task given that I do not have a plan table at home to house the gigantic pieces of paper while I estimate. 

so this is what happens when I try to work from my coffee table. 

I get a frantically excited Bear cub ready to tear up my plans and eat the corners. or just lay there and be annoying and attack my hand every time I try to move his little lanky ass. 

silly little Nugget.

____________________________________________

OH! and also. I ordered myself a new bathing suit for our anniversary trip to the beach in August. we booked an oceanfront condo for the week, and while I'd rather be in Hawaii again, any beach is a good vacation in my eyes. 

given that I've gained a significant amount of weight since I last wore a bathing suit, and am entirely too lazy to get rid of it, I decided to go with a one piece retro style swimsuit. my girlfriend Charity, from the Nest, ordered the same style and had nothing but fab things to say about it. I first found the suit from Kelle Hampton's blog, and it's been on my wish list ever since.

 "The Grace"

so I took the plunge and ordered it. I'm hoping it fits well and is flattering, because it's too cute to have to return. luckily for me, the company pays for return shipping... but if I have to return it, my ass will be buying a throwaway (but possibly still cute) one at Target or Kohl's. they seem to have a good selection as well. 

I'll make sure to post a review when it arrives, since I know these retro 50's style suits are pretty popular this year... especially for us big girls! :) 

Happy Monday!

booshit, booshit, booshit!

for the record, I'd like to state that Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of my favorite movies ever... and a lot of that reasoning goes to the fact that we actually stayed at Turtle Bay during a portion of our honeymoon.

if you're not wearing green today, you're going to burn in the fiery pits of Irish hell, which will inevitably be overrun by potatoes. just sayin. St. Patrick's Day used to be one of my favorite holidays growing up - I loved getting all decked out in green and celebrating my Irish heritage with a healthy dose of green eggs and ham. now the green eggs are substituted with green beer, but I'm still celebrating none the less.

I have a couple more substantial posts in the works, but I haven't had the time to upload pictures and actually fully write them out. in order to avoid going a couple days without posting (again), I figured I'd post one of those little "interesting fact" tidbit posts that are going around the blogosphere as of late - compliments of the lovely Erinn (Go Bragh!) of Strawberry Swing and other Things.

so here we go - a bunch of random threes of MandeeFoFandee:

Three names I go by:
1. Mandee
2. Mandee Ree
3. MandeeFoFandee (compliments of my Nesties)


Three jobs I have held:
1. Hostess @ Chili's (this was my very first job, and I was fired due to my "bad attitude")
2. Sales Associate at various retail stores
3. Construction Estimator

Three places I have lived:
1. Lothian, Maryland
2. Davidsonville, Maryland
3. Shady Side, Maryland


Three favorite drinks:
1. Dr. Pepper
2. Pineapple & Malibu
3. Relax Riesling


Three TV shows I watch:
1. Bad Girls Club (I haven't watched the reunion yet, but it's on my DVR waiting for me!)
2. The Office
3. Criminal Minds


Three places I have been:
1. St. Thomas
2. Mexico
3. Hawaii


Three places I would like to visit:
1. Greece
2. Ireland
3. Australia


Three people who text me regularly:
1. Sean
2. Laura
3. Renee


Three favorite old TV shows:
1. Boy Meets World
2. 90210 (the original, obviously)
3. Fraggle Rock


Three favorite dishes:
1. Grilled salmon with a loaded baked potato and sugar snap peas with almonds (from the Original Steakhouse)
2. Grilled cheese
3. Cheesecake


Three makeup/beauty products I cannot live without:
1. Primer Potion by Urban Decay
2. BadGal mascara by Benefit
3. Oso Shimmer Smoothing Solution by Cibu


Three things I'm looking forward to:
1. warmer weather
2. getting our tax refund and working on the house
3. Maryland blue crabs



Happy St. Patty's Day, everyone!

PS - I'm definitely the only one in my office wearing green today. WIN.

Wedding Wednesday - V. V

it's going to be a short one tonight, ladies & gents. it's been a CRAZY week at work and I've been too busy to think of what I want to post today as far as wedding pictures go. in fact, I just got home at 8PM and I have to go into the office early tomorrow. ugh. have I mentioned that I don't wanna grow up?

anyway - you can find all the past WW's here.

due to the fact that I've been looking at drawings ALL week long, this week's topic of wedding-ness is paper - our invites, menu cards, bar menu, food menu, and wishing jar cards were all courtesy of the amazingly awesome Allison Barnhill of Allison Barnhill Designs. Allison is a fabulous creator of personal, unique, and completely gorgeous paper goods for any occasion. I recommend her to everyone I know, and I honestly couldn't have had better luck with choosing her to create all of our paper goods.

as always, all photos are credited to the lovely and talented Jen, from JLowe Photos. If you'd like to see more of her work, feel free to visit her blog here.

Happy 101 Award

Can I just tell you that today is the PERFECT day to be given this award? Thank you SO much to Suzanne from sunshine and wine for passing it along to me. If you want to drool over some amazing design pictures, head on over to Suzanne's place! I've had a shitty week already, mostly because of issues at my workplace and feeling unappreciated (I'll make sure to blog about it tonight or tomorrow to fill you all in... since I know you're on the edge of your seat with curiosity), so this will help to cheer up my Tuesday!


So. Here's my list of the Top 10 things that make me wet myself with joy. Or... just make me happy. whatever. these things are not in any particular order... just as they come to me off the top of my head.

1. Mr. MandeeFoFandee. oh, this poor guy. I don't know how he puts up with me some days... it really baffles me. he's always keeping me on my toes and making me laugh like no other. sometimes I think it feels like we've been together forever, and other times I feel like we just met yesterday. I guess that's a good thing. he's my best friend, and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

isn't he handsome? how did I get so lucky with a hunk like this?

2. My Cats. aka my children. they really are like little humans, and they all have their own little (and BIG!) personalities. I find extreme pleasure in giving them catnip as a Friday night treat, and watching them roll around and go crazy like they're on drugs. they never stay mad at me for long, and I can always count on them to give me lovins when I've had a hard day.

big girl Lily loves belly rubs.

3. Tattoos. to say I have an addictive personality would be the understatement of the century. tattoos are no different than Dr. Pepper, cigarettes (horrible, I know), or makeup. I love them, and am constantly yearning for more ink to display on my skin. people ask how many I have, and it's hard to tell, because different pieces were done at different times, so I tell them I have about 20 hours worth, 10 of which are due to my rib piece. it's important to me to have meaningful tattoos, and all of mine represent something or someone at a certain point in my life. I'll be sure to give a post with all of them, but for now, here's the completed rib piece. also, feel free to check out more of my tattoo artist's work at his website.

$750, 10 hours, and a lot of pain later... I have my garden rib piece.

4. Family & friends. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have so many amazing people in my life, from my dad to my brothers to my friends. they're all super supportive of everything I do, and they give me honest criticism when I need it. I am eternally grateful for each and every single one of them. oh, and my little brother is the cutest and coolest kid EVAR.

my my my cookie face, my my cookie face.

5. Vacation. there is nothing I love more than laying on the beach with a cold drink (preferably containing a good amount of alcohol) and a great book in my hand. we try to take at least one week long vacation a year, but this year might be tough due to being homeowners now. we shall see. but I'd give anything to be here for a week. right now.

this was taken on a beach in Oahu during our honeymoon. le sigh.

6. Pooping. I've said this before, and I'll say it again: the relief from a good bowel movement is amazing. I'm probably only mentioning this right now because I've been backed up for a few days and I would give anything to squeeze one out... even if it caused me to pass out from bearing down too hard. but for serious, I love taking a nice, relaxing poop. no picture necessary for this one. I'm not THAT gross.

7. DVR and On Demand. I honestly don't know what I did before DVR. to be able to fast forward through commericals and pause when a good poop comes along is, in my eyes, the best invention ever. I don't even know when most of my shows air... I just watch them as they appear on my DVR screen. and in the rare instance that I forget to set up a series recording (like I mistakingly did for the new season of Project Runway), I can find most of them at my fingertips On Demand. oh technology, I love you immensely.


8. Blogging. I'm new to this whole blogosphere, but I'm already addicted (have I mentioned that I have an addictive personality?) to this little place. I love checking my Google Reader everyday and reading up on what everyone is doing - whether it be DIY home projects, cooking deliciousness, playing with their kids, working for the man, or just living life. I'm a nosy person by nature, so reading about others' lives has always fascinated me, and to do it everyday and feel like a part of it at the same time is pure bliss. andplusalso, I get some handy dandy DIY/designing tips along the way. can't beat free advice!

9. Decorating/Designing. even when I was a little MandeeFoFandee with no husband or cats to speak of (okay, that's a lie... I had tons of cats, even as a little girl), I found myself always rearranging my room to get the most effective space plan. I was always making things to hang on my bedroom walls, and incorporating throw pillows from the living room to match my current scheme. I've always had a passion for interior design. now that we own our home, I'm like a kid in a candy store... if the candy store were home furnishings. I'm always on the lookout for the next piece to use in a room in our home, and am SO inspired by the many decor blogs I follow. if I could choose my career (which, yes, I'm well aware that I COULD... but that's a long story), it would be interior design, fo sho.

I'm obsessed with this design board Ashley's office over at Decorating Obsessed.

10. Sales. as much as I love a good pair of jeans or shoes, I'm keeping this one general, because if the shit is on sale, I can almost guarantee that I will buy it. I tend to justify purchases much easier when I know the items I got were not full price, and I convince Mr. MandeeFoFandee the same. I love finding the perfect item on sale - whether it be something I'm specifcally looking for, or a surprise.

and to complete my task with the Happy 101 Award, I'm tagging 10 blogs that make me happy (again, in no particular order):

1. Erinn @ Stawberry Swing and other Things
2. Laura @ Signed In Ink

3. Ashley @ The Domestic Wannabe
4. Sarah @ a little of this, a little of that
5. Melodie @ The White City Project
6. LiLu @ Livit, Luvit
7. Kasey @ Lola B's
8. Tara @ The Life of a Newly Wife
9. Sherry & John @ Young House Love
10. Alaina @ misc.alain.eous

PS - I would elaborate on WHY those blogs make me happy, but I'm at work and unfortunately, I actually have work to do. soooo just check out their links and see for yourself!

Happy Tuesday, bitches!

Dears Of The Day

Dear Lane Bryant,
I am not plus size. Please stop sending me catalogs. You're not helping my self esteem.

Regards,
Not Super Skinny, But Definitely Not A Big Girl

_________________________________

Dear AT&T,
Your map commercials are fucking annoying. I don't really swoon over Luke Wilson to begin with (and Owen too, actually), so thank you SO much for confirming my hatred for him by paying him what I'm sure is a ridiculous amount of money to tell bold faced LIES regarding Verizon's coverage.

Sincerely,
Faithful Verizon Customer (& proud owner of a DVR so I can fast forward through your ass)

_________________________________

Dear underwear,
I know I'm not helping you out any with the continuous growth of my rear end, but please stop cutting off my circulation. There are only a few of you left in my "these can still comfortably fit" pile, and I'd like to wear you all again eventually. I promise I will not replace you with (*gasp*) large size garments. just please be patient.

Love Always,
The Ass In Which You Wish To Cover

_________________________________

Dear Insomnia,
please.fuck.off.

MandeeFoFandee

_________________________________

Dear Pheobe,
Stop being such a little whore to Bear. It's to the point now where he walks (kind of swerves, really... he's special) in the opposite direction when he sees you coming. He knows that you're going to growl at him and try to claw his eyes out. You should know better.

Regards,
Your MOTHER

PS - stop sprinting into the bedroom every time I open the fucking door. you know I'm just going to chase your ass until I can grab you and throw you back out. you never win at this game. give it up.

_________________________________

Dear BGE,
While I take great pleasure in your service, especially the heat which keeps me warm during these frigid months, I would greatly appreciate a little warning the next time you want to ASS RAPE me with a $428.00 electric bill. Last month's $415.00 bill was fucking awful, and so I've been watching our electricity use closely this month... even turning the heat down a few degrees when I leave for work... and yet my bill goes up. I would really prefer at least some lube and cuddle time next month.

Fuck off,
Your Loyal Customer, Who Will Never Get Ahead Thanks To YOU

_________________________________

Dear Pistachios,
I love you, despite your ability to royally fuck up my stomach. Keep being delicious and irresistible.

Love,
MandeeFoFandee

_________________________________

Dear Dad,
I know you have an incredibly terrible relationship with your girlfriend/baby mama, but honestly... it's not my fucking problem. Not only did you choose to move this crazy bitch into your home, but you then had unprotected sex with her, resulting in my little brother. Wyatt is amazing, and the coolest little kid ever, but keeping her around for his sake isn't really helping him much. I've given you the SAME advice for years, so please don't expect any sympathy when she goes on a crazy rant after a week's worth of normalcy.

Your Only Daughter,
Mandee

PS - I could really use a raise. See above RE: my electric bill.

_________________________________

Dear New Orleans Saints,
Please, for the sake of baby jesus, beat the shit out of the Colts this weekend. I am so sick of Peyton fucking Manning and the god damn Colts. Make them your bitches, Saints.

Yours Truly,
Devoted Redskins Fan, Who Has Come To Terms With NO Superbowl In My Future

_________________________________

Dear Mother Nature,
you win.

Soon-To-Be-Snowed-In,
MandeeFoFandee

Tax Time = An Unrealistic Wish List

It's February 1st, and to those of us who are hard working (aka blogging, Facebooking, Nesting, gchatting during work hours) members of society, that means it's tax time! I don't know about you, but I look forward to my tax refund more than I do my birthday, which by the way, is March 23rd and right around the corner. I accept gifts all year long.

And if you're anything like me, you dream of all the ridiculous things you can buy with said tax refund. Unfortunately, because I am now an old, married, and responsible adult, our joint tax refund is going to pay off a credit card, and put a huge dent in the amount we owe for our brand spankin' new furniture. Depending on how much we get back (especially with all the deductions we should be able to file for regarding our home improvements), we may put some aside for a trip to Europe next year, but more than likely, it's going to pay off some bills.

Bascially, this post is about all the things I WANT to buy with our tax refund, whether it be a new overpriced hangbag, decor stuffs for our home, a new wardrobe that consists of clothes that actually fit my fatass, new tile for the kitchen, etc. I'm sure home decor will take up most of the list, since that's what I've been recently obsessed with. I should also mention that I have no idea how much money we're getting back, so this list is based on an unlimited amount. haha

So here it is, my unrealistic tax refund wish list:

1. the Samanta Entryway Bench from Pottery Barn. it would look perfect in our entry, especially since we already have some PB hooks to hang above it. I love the storage bins underneath. AND it comes with the option for a "sage" bench cushion. perfecto.

2. the Rectangle Cutout Bookcase from West Elm. I've been searching for the perfect bookcase to put in our entry way (we really have no other place for one), and I absolutely LOVE this one. the cutouts are interesting to the eye, and it has plenty of room to store my constantly growing book collection... and some fun decor pieces as well.



3. 'Off The Hinges' pleated hobo by Steve Madden. let me first tell you that I have never spent more than $50 on a bag. I've always purchased stylish, yet versatile (& cheap) bags. it seems as if the expense of my tastes grow with age. I love (no... I think 'adore' would be the more adequate wording here) this bag. it's not too big, not too small, not too plain, not too out there. alas, at $268.00, the price is TOO much, so it'll sit here on my wish list until someone purchases it for me.

oh, and in case you're wondering, I would totally get the grey one.


4. the Tucker Buffet table, also from PB. I'm a little obsessed with PB, if you can't tell. I don't even have a new dining room table yet. we have one we inherited from a family friend years ago... it's out in the garage until I can find the time to sand, primer, and stain/paint it and reupholster the chairs with some sort of green fabric. but it doesn't matter. I NEED this buffet in my house. I don't even have nice china to store, but it doesn't matter. I NEED it.


5. while we're on the subject, I'll take the rest of my china too - Ballet Ribbon by Waterford. we registered for 12 place settings, and so far, we only have 1 out of the 12. we're not big on fancy pants items anyway, so it wasn't a big deal for us to register for it in the first place, but the pushy woman at BB&B told us we should. I fell in love with the Ballet Ribbon immediately - it's not ornate and tacky, and it's modern looking with a simple pattern.

oooooh, ahhhh, so ribbon-y.


6. an office. we have two spare rooms upstairs, one of which will be used as a guest bedroom. the other room, however, has an awesome balcony with sliding glass doors, and I'd love to have a nice office up there, complete with funky decor. it gets great natural light, and would be the perfect space to read (and blog). this is the closest thing I could find that compares to what I see when I picture our future office in my head. it's from www.femtalks.com, and I found it through Google Image search. SCRATCH THAT. it's from Pottery Barn. I was just searching through their storage & organization photos and found the same picture. I love everything about it, from the white furniture, to the green walls (obvi), and down to the little clock sticking out of the wall. I'm not sure if S would agree to another green painted room, but I'm sure I could slip in a few green accents for a pop of color. ;)



7. Typewriter Keys from Pottery Barn... to display in above mentioned imaginary office.


8. A new wardrobe. I work in an extremely casual environment, therefore my daily attire consists of usually skinny jeans and a hoodie. shoes change depending on the weather, but it usually varies between a pair of flats, warm boots, or my trusty (and custom made!) Converse. if we're going out somewhere, I'll throw on a button up shirt or cute tank (in the summer) with some funky earrings and a pair of simple black heels/flats. I've been slowly trying to work in more fashionable pieces into my wardrobe, but it's a little tough to do when everything needs to be size LARGE and I don't feel comfortable in much else except hoodies and jeans. we'll talk about my recent weight gain and self esteem in another post. anywhoozits, I need more stylish items of clothing, and a tax refund would allow for that.

this is what I dress like on a daily basis (minus the fug glasses). I wanna classy it up a bit, damnit.



9. I know it's crazy, but I'm not entirely self absorbed, so I would also buy Mr. MandeeFoFandee some part he needs for the computer he's building. last fall/winter, he decided that instead of buying a new desktop, he'd just build his own. well, he ordered most of the parts he needed, and then something else attracted his attention... and therefore the computer building got put on the back burner... until we moved and he realized he had all this crap for a computer we're not even using. so now he's been rambling about how he needs this and that, and well, I'd let him get it if it means I don't have to hear about it anymore... and that he'd have his own computer and stop using my laptop for his damn Farmville. I'm such a nice wife.


10. A NEW DENTIST. motherfucker, I have had the worst toothache for months, and it's only gotten worse. I'm only typing all this cause it's all I can think about as I sit on my couch. I had a root canal a few years ago, which amounted to paying about $1200 out of pocket, because I didn't have dental insurance. well instead of getting the permanent filling and crown right away like a good patient, I waited because I wanted to have dental insurance first, and crowns are quite expensive. like an idiot, I let the temporary filling fall out, and never got it fixed. now, I'm kicking myself in the ass. I've tried to contact my dentist 3 times in the last month to see if I can schedule an appointment. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to have this sucker pulled at this point. those fuckers have failed to return my calls. GAH.

/rant.



I wish I could think of more useless crap to list here, but my tooth is killing me and therefore not allowing me to think clearly.

answer me this, readers... what do you plan on doing with YOUR tax refund? going to pay off debt? catch up on bills? buy something shiny?

Craptastic (TMI Alert)!

WARNING: If you are not comfortable talking (or even reading) about the gloriousness that is a good bowel movement, do not read any further.

If the curiosity is killing you, however, please do read on.

First, I'd like to mention that I had the day off yesterday, so naturally, today felt like Monday. I got up (late, as usual), showered, brushed my teeth and went about my morning routine. I stopped at the 7-11 near my home, and picked up a 20oz coffee and two bottles of Dr. Pepper, as usual. Paid with my check card, as usual.


Mmm. Delish.

I drove to work, listened to Elliot in the Morning on DC 101, as usual. Got to work, and got settled in, which consists of checking my work email, checking my personal email, checking in on The Nest, checking Facebook, and reading the new blogs that appear on my Google Reader (and commenting accordingly)... all while sipping my delicious 20oz cup of sugar, with a little coffee and creamer added. Totes usual.

And as usual, about 20 minutes after I finished my coffee, I felt the rumblings. The monster rumblings of my daily morning bowels. This is part of my daily routine. I drink my coffee, and then I poop, and then I'm ready to take on the day that is upon me and make it my bitch.


Yep. I own this book.

Something about these rumblings was not normal. I didn't have the strength in my abs to let it "marinate" like I usually do. I like to let it simmer for a bit before I actually go to the restroom, so that it involves the least amount of pushing as possible. I told you, I have a routine, and damnit, I stick to it! This demon inside of me would not allow for the marinating period. I had to rush to the bathroom to do the binness.

As I sit on the toilet (I should also mention that I work in a very small office, consisting of a total of 5 people, including myself, and we only have one bathroom), I could tell that this was not going to be the usual "sit, relax, wipe" session that I have on a daily basis. What erupted from my body was the fiery passion that once was an entire bag of pistachios that I consumed over the long weekend. It burned. It splattered. Most importantly, it was NOT quiet, which is totally NOT usual.

Now, if you know me, you know I'm not shy about my bowels (obviously). But this was an ASSplosion. I was imagining my poor coworker in the office outside the bathroom cringing (and possibly laughing) as the demon escaped my rear end. It was nuclear. I tried to be quiet about it, I really did. I tried to let just a little out at a time, I tried running the sink water to mask the sound... it just was NOT happening.


THIS is what occurred in my workplace toilet.

Finally, I'm done. I wipe, wash my hands, open the window, spray a copious amount of flowery smelling Lysol, and I leave the bathroom... making sure to shut the door behind me. I even considered making a sign, warning coworkers not to enter the bathroom for at LEAST 20 minutes. I'm telling you - that shit was hazardous.

And as usual, I walk outside to have my post-bowel cigarette. I'm puffing away, enjoying the beautiful weather that has recently graced itself upon Maryland, and it hit me again. Those fucking rumblings. I thought "eh, I just went... there's no way I have to go again ALREADY," and I attempted to finish my nicotine stick. Was.Not.Happening. I flicked the cherry off my cigarette and sprinted to the bathroom. (Insert another descriptive ASSplosion here).

This inconvenience happened to me FOUR times today. FOUR TIMES! I couldn't believe it. I'm a pretty regular shitter, and I go usually about two times a day. And those two times are NORMAL, not the painful diarrhea I experienced FOUR TIMES today. I know it's the pistachios and all their deliciousness.


Mmm. Come here, my pretties.

I should probably mention that I consume an ungodly amount of pistachios if I get my hands on them. I generally buy two bags at a time, and finish a bag in a matter of days. I eat about a 16oz cup worth of shells at each sitting... unless my mouth burns from the salt before the cup is full. I'd like to say that my hellish poops today will caution me from devouring pistachios in the future, but I know it won't.

Perhaps I should take after LiLu and start a weekly TMI post. TMI Tuesdays? I guess it fits.



... that's what she said.